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She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
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