i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
