Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.