We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
