i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
i drank out of a bidet.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
