I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
