Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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