Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
