Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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