Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
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It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
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But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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