she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
