Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
