Even the bartender felt bad for me
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
