i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
