well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
