I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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