i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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