I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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