I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
