question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
