So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
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No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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