Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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