i think my mom watched the whole time
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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