Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
