where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Randomize
