SEEEEXXX PLEASE
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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