i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
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