Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I have fence marks all over my body
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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