Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Still dying that you shit outside
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
