Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Randomize
