You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
