Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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