yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
