The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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