I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
