Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
