Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I wanna bring you to show and tell
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
