I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
