i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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