I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
