You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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