i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
