She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
