why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
