i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
