Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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