And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
What changed your mind?
Being sober
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
