dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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