yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
