he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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