his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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