Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
