i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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