I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Let's get the cat blown out
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
