Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
