What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
